I remember the exact moment I realised I was doing it again. I was sitting cross-legged on my meditation cushion, trying desperately to make my racing thoughts slow down, berating myself for failing at something that was supposed to help me feel calmer. (Actually, the point of meditation is not necessarily to help us feel “calmer”, but that’s the way it’s often sold to us).

As a highly sensitive person, I'd spent years in this cycle - trying technique after technique, reading book after book, always searching for the thing that would finally "fix" me.

The irony wasn't lost on me: I was using self-improvement as a weapon against myself.

If you're a highly sensitive person, you probably know this exhausting dance intimately. You've tried so hard to be better, to manage your sensitivity more effectively, to stop being so affected by everything. You've worked on yourself relentlessly, convinced that if you just tried hard enough, learned enough strategies, optimised yourself enough, you'd finally be able to handle life the way everyone else seems to.

But here's what I've learned, both through my own journey and through working with other HSPs: The trying itself is the problem.

The "self-improvement" trap that keeps HSPs stuck

As highly sensitive people, we're often painfully aware of our struggles. We notice every time we're overwhelmed, every moment we feel too much, every situation where our sensitivity makes things harder. And because we're also conscientious and self-reflective, we turn that awareness into a project: Fix Yourself.

We approach our sensitivity like it's a problem to be solved:

"If I just meditate more consistently..."
"If I can just set better boundaries..."
"If I master this coping technique..."
"If I can just think more positively..."
"If I become more resilient..."

The list goes on and on.

Each new method comes with hope - this will be the thing that works. But then it doesn't quite land. Or it helps temporarily but doesn't address the deeper exhaustion. Or worse, it becomes another thing you're failing at, another piece of evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with you.

I spent years in this cycle myself. Every new approach felt like a promise: finally, I would be able to fix what was broken. Finally, I would stop being so sensitive, so reactive, so overwhelmed. Finally, I would be enough.

Except the more I tried to fix myself, the more exhausted I became. The more I worked on being better, the worse I felt about who I actually was.

What's really happening: The problem with "doing" mode

Here's what conventional methods often miss about highly sensitive people: We're already doing too much. Not just in our external lives, but in our internal ones.

Our minds are constantly working - processing, analysing, monitoring, trying to stay ahead of the overwhelm. We're perpetually in "doing" mode, even when we're supposedly resting. We're managing ourselves, controlling ourselves, improving ourselves, fixing ourselves.

Most self-help approaches feed right into this. They give us more to do, more to practice, more ways to be better. Even mindfulness, as it's often taught, becomes another task: "Be present. Observe your thoughts. Don't judge." But how do you not judge when you're already drowning in judgment about being too sensitive?

The approaches that work for other people often don't work for HSPs because they don't address the core issue: We're exhausted from trying to be different than we are. We're depleted from the constant effort of managing, fixing, and improving ourselves. We're burnt out from being in a perpetual state of "doing."

What we actually need is the opposite. We need to learn how to be.

What HSPs actually need: skills for being, not fixing

After years of trying everything, I discovered something that fundamentally changed my relationship with my sensitivity: I didn't need better strategies to fix my problems. I needed skills to be with my pain.

This sounds counterintuitive, I know. When you're overwhelmed, when shame is flooding your system, when you're replaying that conversation for the hundredth time - the last thing you want to do is be with those feelings. You want them gone. You want to feel better.

But here's the paradox I learned: The more we try to escape our difficult emotions, the more stuck we become. The more we judge ourselves for struggling, the more we suffer. The more we try to think our way out of our pain, the more trapped in our heads we become.

What actually helps is developing the capacity to meet our struggles differently:

With mindfulness - not the "observe your thoughts without judgment" kind that feels impossible when you're drowning, but a gentle awareness that allows you to recognise when you're suffering without adding layers of criticism on top.

With acceptance - not resignation or giving up, but a willingness to acknowledge what's actually here in this moment, including the pain, the overwhelm, the sensitivity itself.

With kindness - not positive thinking or affirmations that feel hollow, but genuine compassion for yourself in the moments when you're struggling most.

This isn't about feeling better. It's about learning to feel bad in a different way - a way that doesn't compound your suffering with shame and self-judgment.

Why this needs to be embodied, not just understood

I can't tell you how many books I read that explained, intellectually, that I should be kinder to myself. I understood the concept. I agreed with it. But when I was actually overwhelmed, when my heart was racing and shame was coursing through my body, that intellectual understanding was useless.

This is where most approaches fail HSPs: They stay in the head. They ask us to think differently, to reframe our thoughts, to use logic and reason. But our struggles aren't happening in our heads - they're happening in our bodies.

As highly sensitive people, we feel everything physically. The overwhelm isn't just a thought; it's a sensation in your chest, a tension in your shoulders, a heaviness in your gut. You can't think your way out of that. You need embodied practices that work with your nervous system, not against it.

You need to learn how to drop from your head into your body—to place a hand on your heart when you're struggling, to feel the warmth of your own touch, to speak to yourself with the same tone you'd use with someone you love. This isn't metaphorical. It's literal, physical, embodied care.

The Paradox: How kindness solves what trying cannot

Here's what I discovered in my own journey, and what continues to amaze me: When you stop trying to fix your problems and start offering yourself kindness in the midst of them, something shifts.

Not immediately. Not magically. But gradually.

When you meet your overwhelm with compassion instead of criticism, the overwhelm doesn't necessarily disappear - but it becomes more bearable. When you acknowledge your pain with kindness instead of shame, you stop fighting yourself. And when you stop fighting yourself, you have more energy for everything else.

This is the paradox of self-compassion: By accepting where you are instead of trying to be somewhere else, you actually create the conditions for change. By being kind to yourself when you're struggling instead of pushing yourself to feel better, you reduce your suffering more effectively than any "fixing" strategy ever could.

The problems don't solve because you attack them harder. They solve because you stop making them worse with self-judgment and shame.

Mindful Self-Compassion: A different path for HSPs

After years of trying everything else, I found Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC). And for the first time, something actually fit.

MSC isn't another self-improvement programme. It's not about becoming a better version of yourself or managing your sensitivity more effectively. It's about developing specific, practical skills to meet your struggles with mindfulness and kindness - skills that work with your body, not just your mind.

MSC teaches you:

How to recognise when you're suffering (which sounds obvious but is surprisingly difficult when you're in the middle of it)
How to remember that struggle is part of being human, not evidence that you're uniquely broken
How to offer yourself genuine kindness in moments of difficulty—not as a concept, but as an embodied practice

For highly sensitive people specifically, MSC offers something unique: It validates that your struggles are real while teaching you how to hold them differently. It doesn't ask you to be less sensitive. It doesn't promise you'll stop feeling overwhelmed. Instead, it gives you tools to be with your sensitivity in a way that doesn't exhaust you.

You learn to place a hand on your heart when shame arises. You learn language that soothes rather than criticises. You learn how to physically comfort yourself when emotions feel too big. You practice dropping out of your analyzing mind and into your feeling body, where real change happens.

This isn't about adding more to your to-do list. It's about fundamentally changing your relationship with yourself - from critic to companion, from taskmaster to friend.

Ready to stop fixing and start being?

If you're exhausted from trying to be better, if you're tired of approaches that make you feel like you're failing, if you're ready for something that actually understands what it's like to be highly sensitive - I want to invite you to something different.

I'm offering a Mindful Self-Compassion course specifically designed for highly sensitive people, starting this Sunday. This isn't theory or concepts you already understand intellectually. These are practical, embodied skills that you'll practice together with others who understand exactly what you're going through.

You'll learn how to meet your difficult emotions without judgment. You'll discover how to offer yourself kindness when you're struggling. You'll practice skills that work with your sensitive nervous system rather than against it. And you'll experience the profound relief of finally stopping the exhausting work of trying to fix yourself.

Registration closes this Thursday. If you're ready to try a different way - one that honours your sensitivity instead of fighting it, one that teaches you to be instead of constantly doing - join us here.

You don't need to be fixed. You need to be met with kindness. This course shows you the way how.

As a highly sensitive person myself, I know what it's like to try everything and still struggle. I know the exhaustion of constantly working on yourself. And I know the profound relief that comes when you finally stop fighting and start being kind. I'm looking forward to sharing these skills with you. Registration closes Thursday 9 October 2025, we start Sunday 12 October.

HSPs: The Exhausting Trap of Trying to Fix Yourself (And What Actually Works)